Have you ever dealt with pregnancy loss? Unfortunately, it’s more common than we think and the topic is one that we just don’t talk about. Dealing with one miscarriage is difficult enough, but when you have the pain of multiple losses, it can be almost unbearable. How does a couple get through these times? How do you offer support to each other and keep your relationship strong? These are the questions addressed in today’s episode, in which we talk to a husband AND wife together about their experience with loss.
Shane and NaKaisha Banks are a couple who dealt with loss, birth, loss again, and birth again. They share about their two rainbow babies, the anxiety and depression that came after, and how they have navigated all of this as a couple. In this powerful episode, NaKaisha and Shane share their story in hopes of increasing awareness about loss as a couple of color. Although this is one couple’s story, it’s a great catalyst for us to think of the family as a system. While we tend to focus on what happens with the mother, the male partner is deeply affected as well. You’ll hear the strength of their relationship and how they were able to pull together through their experiences.
NaKaisha loves her roles in life, including Social Worker and life coach through her practice D.U.O. Empowerment Services, which stands for “Do Unto Others” and was begun in 2008. She is the author of The Birdcage, released in April 2018. She is the mother of two beautiful girls, London and Germany, and has been married to Shane for 12 years. Shane is a minister who enjoys fishing, sci-fi and action-packed movies, and lives a blessed life as a husband and father. Shane and NaKaisha share a passion of serving in ministry together, in which their faith is the foundation of life and difficult times.
Show Highlights:
- Why their daughters, London (8) and Germany (2) are “rainbow children,” since Shane and NaKaisha suffered a pregnancy loss prior to each of the girls’ births
- The first loss was in 2009, when they weren’t even trying to conceive because they were living their lives and waiting to see what God ordained for them as a couple
- The first pregnancy and its complications, then a miscarriage at 9-11 weeks and a flood of unexplained emotions
- From Shane’s perspective: he was excited about the baby but found the miscarriage a tough thing to go through. He wanted to be strong and support his wife as much as possible
- The second miscarriage was a different experience and NaKaisha was labeled high risk. She couldn’t believe she was going through yet another miscarriage and felt angry, sad, and frustrated
- How NaKaisha couldn’t understand why her body was fighting against her
- How they each dealt with the loss separately and were disconnected as a couple
- How they had to work hard to communicate through feeling abandoned and alone and were later able to process the feelings and “get back on track”
- How Shane realized that NaKaisha needed more communication from him
- Dealing with the confusion of not knowing what the other person needed
- The range of emotions that came out of the loss and how they had to “push through”
- The foundation of their relationship to be able to weather these storms
- The healing process and how NaKaisha was scheduled for sterilization surgery that was canceled at the last minute and they found out about their surprise pregnancy
- The anxiety of another pregnancy, their Tuesday “celebrations,” and the birth of their second healthy daughter
- What NaKaisha went through with intense sickness during both pregnancies, being “willing to go through whatever it took to get my babies here”
- What Shane says fathers should know: “You need to be more open to share thoughts and feelings”
- What NaKaisha says to other couples: “You have to work ten times harder to keep the communication lines open and be willing to sit in the silence when you don’t know what to say.”
- Why this is an important piece of a relationship, because it’s a common experience that people go through
- Why Shane says he thought “being there” was enough, but then later realized that he should have opened up more
- How communication transcends across the relationship and allows you to be present, even without a voice
- How NaKaisha finds personal healing in being able to help others because of her understanding and empathy
Resources:
Connect with NaKaisha at http://www.nakaishatolbertbanks.com
Find NaKaisha Tbanks on Facebook, DUO Empowerment Services on Facebook, and @1stLadyGiggles on Twitter and Instagram
