Author: Shakima L. Tozay
“Hello everybody my name is Shakima and I am a bereaved mama and survivor of stillbirth and postpartum depression and PTSD”.
This is how I introduce myself in most support group meetings with other moms like me. It wasn’t always this way. But it describes a part of who I am now. Like the poem An Ugly Pair of Shoes, I now belong to a club that no one ever signs up for on their own. As the poem goes, “no woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am”.
On November 8th, 2017 my son Jaxson died while I was 7 ½ months pregnant. Preeclampsia and poor healthcare monitoring took Jaxson’s life and nearly claimed my own. Although I survived, a part of me died with him that day. After losing Jaxson, I knew I couldn’t remain silent about my membership to the club no one wants to join. Instead, I had to find a way to turn my pain into purpose. It was my destiny. Despite feeling like a complete failure because I was unable to protect him, I focused on how I could use my experience to be the voice for change.
Here are the 5 things I learned about using my voice after my son died:
1. It can be incredibly cathartic to speak your truth.
It has been 4 years since Jaxson’s death and all I have of my motherhood are memories. Speaking your truth is not always pretty, not always politically correct and not always easy for others to hear. However, for me, it has been necessary for my grief and healing.
2. Speaking up about my experience empowers others to do the same.
It’s been estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a stillbirth in their life time, that means someone you know has experienced the death of a baby. In the same vein, perinatal mental health has been described as a national publish health issue. Yet, no one wants to talk about it. Staying silent about pregnancy loss and mental health was never an option for me. It only continues to fuel the shame, stigma and self-blame that so many women already experience because of society’s views about miscarriage and stillbirth. I speak up so that others know they are not alone and can give voice to their struggles as well.
3. My story is the one thing that no one can take away from me. I own it!
Building a legacy is something we all deserve. I used to think that having children was the only way to leave behind a legacy. While it is one way, it is not the only way. After Jaxson died, I quickly learned that as his mother, I can leave a legacy honoring his short life through my actions. Telling my story is my opportunity to invoke change and instill hope.
4. What I have to say matters. I add value to the conversation.
When someone would ask how many children I have, I’d fix my lips to utter my son’s name. Then, I’d stop and hear a voice telling me, “no one wants to hear about your dead baby, just move on.” Society has taught us to keep our suffering to ourselves. We learn early on, not to talk about grief because it makes others feel uncomfortable. Instead, we should just move on. I learned through this journey to push past that voice and society’s ill-informed advice. Now, I say Jaxson’s name with conviction and I share my story because it I know his life mattered.
5. My testimony is a form of advocacy, a powerful vehicle for change.
Black mommas like me are 2-3 times more likely to experience a stillbirth. This is unacceptable. Things have to change in our healthcare system. I blamed myself, in the beginning, for not speaking up sooner or louder that faithful day my son died. Now when I share my story, I do it because I want to be a beacon of hope for mommas like me. I also want to shine a light on the trauma of losing a baby, an experience too many women in my community know all too well. By trusting my outrage, I’ve learned that there’s power in speaking my truth.
Turning tragedy into opportunity is about knowing that I can use my voice to speak up about what happened to Jaxson and to me. If you are a newly bereaved momma, it is my hope that some part of my story resonates with you. It is my intent to give voice to a story that could easily be forgotten had I not decided to be bold in my grief. I hope you too find the courage to speak up and tell your story in whatever way brings you peace and healing.
Shakima “Kima” Tozay is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Grief Counseling Specialist, and a bereaved momma who has dedicated her life to supporting and advocating for families impacted by pregnancy and infant loss and perinatal mental health challenges. As an advocate, Shakima and a team of other bereaved mothers, was instrumental in getting the Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth legislation passed in Washington State. Shakima is Board Chair of Return to Zero Hope, a national non-profit organization working to change the culture of perinatal loss. Shakima also facilitates support groups for Women of Color. She enjoys raising awareness as a Board member of Perinatal Support, Washington and co-leader of the Snohomish County Perinatal Mental Health Taskforce run in partnership with the Snohomish Health District Maternal Child Health Nurse team. She is also a member of the Washington State Perinatal Mental Health Coalition. Shakima is an animal lover and enjoys spending time in nature with her husband and family.
